Why, O Lord?

I know You are in control
of all things ...
and of me ....

I know You have a perfect plan,
that You love and protect
Your sons and daughters.

I know this world is not my home,
it is but a breath of starlight
in the face of eternity.

But, Lord,
why can't I walk?
I know I will in heaven ...
but this is Here.
This is Now.
What could You possibly be teaching
through this power chair?

Lord,
why does this disease
have to plague my body
with unrelenting fatigue?
What can You be showing me
when I'm weak as a kitten?

Lord,
why is my brain
sometimes filled with confusion and clouds
that alter my thoughts
and emotions?
Why do I feel anger
over trivial things,
and cry when tears
are not necessary,
and laugh at the wrong time?
What could You have for me to learn
when I'm not even able
to properly process these concepts?

Lord,
why can't I remember things?
Oh, I can remember the camping trip
when I was seven years old,
but I can't remember
to pay bills,
what I came into this room for,
what day this is,
did I talk on the phone with this person?
What truth can be revealed
through this?

Ah, Lord God ...

It hurts my head.

People - friends and family -
don't understand.
They get angry and frustrated
at me. With me.
They don't believe me.
I don't "look" sick.
At times,
I feel that they don't love me
anymore.

But, then there are times
when You change all that ...
when someone tries to understand,
when someone believes,
when a friend weeps with me,
when someone offers help.

You're always with me,
Here and Now,
and I remember Your promise:
that I'll never be alone.

Thank You for not forsaking me,
that You don't push me aside
for someone "better."
I praise You that You knew me,
that You chose me,
before I was ever born ...
that You knew these things
would happen to me
and You loved me anyway!

Maybe that's one of the things
You want me to learn.
You don't love as the world loves.
Your love goes deeper,
is richer, holy and pure.
Your love sees the goodness,
Your love lasts forever!
I praise You for loving me!
And, Lord God, I love You too!

~ Pandora Deichert