Baby Steps

Years ago, when I was first diagnosed with MS, I was complaining (whining?) to a dear friend about the fatigue. I couldn't seem to finish things because I got so overwhelmed and so tired. She told me (and I'll never forget this ... it's not verbatim, but the thoughts are pretty much the same), "Set small goals. For example, if you're cleaning the house, set your goal to clean only the living room. If you finish cleaning the living room, you've met your goal. But if you have extra energy and can clean the kitchen as well, you've met your goal, and went beyond."

"Or, like, if it's dinnertime. Set a small goal to make an easy dinner. You have a casserole in the oven, or something in the crock pot, and you've met your goal. But you have some extra energy left over and want to make dessert. You've met your goal, and went beyond."

It was so simple, but she had the wisdom to bring it to light for me. Simply adjust your expectation level. This works in so many areas of people's lives. Many suffer through a burn-out stage. (Myself, when I was healthy, included.) They ... WE ... had such high levels of self-expectation, and wore ourselves to an absolute frazzle trying to accomplish it all. (This is where Delegation comes in!)

What a difference her insight made on my attitude and mental perspective! Set small goals. Take baby steps. Where is it written that you have to leap the Grand Canyon? Do WHAT you can do, but do it WELL.

Instead of beating myself up because I couldn't do as much as I had been able to do before, I became more realistic with my expectations. I did NOT lower my standards because, what I could do, I did well! It helped maintain my self-esteem in more ways than one.

Hans Christian Anderson said, Nothing is too high for a man to reach, but he must climb with care and confidence. I must be careful not to set my goals too low, but I must be realistic, too. My goals should be high enough to challenge me, high enough that I climb with care and confidence, but not so high that they are impossible to reach.

I Hate the "C-word!"

I was thinking about this because I've used the phrase, facetiously, so often. But when asking a couple of friends which C-words they think I hate (many of whom have known me for years), they came up with many different ones which could/would apply! Some words that came to MY mind were "commitment," "competition," and "conflict." Others volunteered additional words like "cynicism," "criticism," "change," "cowardice," "chaos," and "can't." (One even came up with "cat box" ... I think there's something Freudian behind that!) But I'll write about some of those C-words and see where they lead us.

Commitment
Do I hate Commitment? I think a better verb is that sometimes I'm uncomfortable with it.

I am a 100-percenter. When I commit to something, I like to pull out all the stops, jump with both feet into the deep end (sometimes a very dumb thing to do!), and practically obsess about it. I see where this affects, not only my Commitments to DO certain things, but also affects relational Commitments, as well.

Merriam-Webster (M-W) and I are developing quite a bond, so I thought I'd check to see what the dictionary defines as Commitment. The second part of the definition is as follows:
2 a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future;... b : something pledged c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled (a commitment to a cause)

Agreement. Pledge. Obligation. For me, that's a promise of something ... and I don't feel comfortable with promising when I do not have full control over my body (fatigue), and my mind (to an extent, i.e. memory loss, cognitive abilities, etc.). This being the case, I'm hesitant to make new Commitments.

Normally, this is not a stumbling block for me, but I have become more conservative (C-word!) with my heart, and more cautious (another C-word!) with situations where I am subject to outside, uncontrollable influences. If I make a Commitment, I want to follow through with it.

With the MonSter, I'm not always able to do that.

Daddy's Knees

I DON'T HAVE MS WHEN I DREAM.

But, actually, in one of my dreams the other week, I DID have MS. Had my chair with me, and everything. Is that an "acceptance" of my disease?

Maybe. For many years I had almost paraded my denial as a war banner, as if it were my signal (my reminder?) to fight.

But, suddenly, I don't feel as if Acceptance is the same thing as Surrender. It seems, instead, to acknowledge the fact that I have MS, like I acknowledge that my eyes are blue ... no ... wait ... I LIKE my blue eyes! How about: it's like I acknowledge my "knobby knees?" "Daddy's Knees!" I don't particularly like them, I can't really change them, but I don't cover them up with long pants when the weather is warm. They are there. They're a part of me.

MS is a part of me. And, just as I can't say that I AM nothing more than a pair of knobby knees, so I don't allow myself to be defined by the MS. It's an unwelcome part of my life, but I don't have to allow it to label me. I won't. It's there, like Daddy's knees.

You know what? Overall, I wouldn't trade off Daddy's Knees! It's a loving reminder that he was my Daddy ... and gave me these knees!

And even though I wouldn't mind getting better or even cured from the MS (like, THAT'S an understatement!!!), I wouldn't trade off my experiences with it. It has led to so many other blessings -- people I've met and those who have become close friends, experiencing the kindness of others, places I've gone where I never would have gone if not for the MS, slowing down by necessity to discover aspects of myself that I would have blown past before (like a new love for photography) ... things like that.

It's all about Perspective.

MYSELF

I am my own.
So let go the sun
and the hopes
of transient tomorrows,
let go the stars
and their promise of night magic.
I am my own
and will make
my tomorrows
my magic
my life
out of bits and pieces,
scraps and remnants
and it will be worthy
of the glories of the sky.

pld
The Prolific Writers Journal
Vol. 95, Issue 5